My online jounal

I'm not a perfect person. I'm going to share with you how I feel and how I react to many situations. Sometimes, I'll fall out of grace and other times I'll handle things gracefully. I'm not holding anything back. This is my online journal. Perhaps, it will help me understand myself better or maybe it just might help other caregivers out there in blogdom.

Have you ever said something you wish you could take back? But you can’t. It’s been said and has tarnished the ears of the listener. I have. I still remember standing in the kitchen. I can almost taste the rage on my lips, but I cannot remember the cause of it. Now, I remember the who, but not the cause. I turned my head towards Nancy and said, “I hate you.”

The thing is, I don’t. I do not hate Nancy. I love her. She is my big sister. She was sixteen years old when I was born. We have so much history together. I shared a room with her until I was eleven years old. Because of her I love Elvis, purple, and the holidays. We are friends. It’s really cool when she has her lucid moments.

When I told her I hated her things changed. She’s not together enough to understand. That’s it right there! She doesn’t understand. Everything is all muddled up in her brain. She cannot convey things with the ease I take for granted. She also gets stuck on one thing and will repeatedly ask you the same thing as if she hasn’t heard the answer. We also live way ahead of time. She keeps track by holidays, for example as soon as the last firework goes off on the 4th of July, we talk about Halloween. Nancy never forgets.

So, back to that awful hate word. Even though it’s been a few years since I said that to her, have apologized, and told her I loved her many times over; she will still bring up that time I told her I hate her.